think hard.

it's like my mind's a gym
and my thoughts are training for an eternal marathon.

No one really knows what anyone is actually thinking. Isn't that one of the scariest things ever? I can be the nicest person to you, smile and laugh at all your jokes, giggle and squeal at your compliments, hug and kiss you with every hint of affection, but inside, the entire time, I can be thinking, "I hate you."

It's like that movie, What Women Want? I think I totally butchered the title, but I believe it was with Mel Gibson and he was able to read women's thoughts. This supernatural ability allowed him to woo and win over any woman he wanted because he knew, exactly, what she was thinking at every moment. Fascinating but completely scary. I don't think he ends up with that ability for good, nor does he want it. We've all had instances where we either adore a person but act like we abhor them, or on the flipside, we could absolutely detest a person but act like we are utterly entranced by them. I know I'm guilty of it almost every day. Aren't you?

Sometimes you have the power to act the way you really feel. Rarely are you lucky enough to have the power and the right circumstances. The combination of both is somewhat exhilirating because essentially, you'd be doing and saying whatever the hell you wanted, whenever the hell you wanted, but it's also dangerous because restrain should almost always be exercised to maintain a certain level of harmony in any social setting. As my blog title reads, my mouth can be a huge liability and believe me, there's no insurance to cover hurt feelings or misunderstanding or friendships lost or opportunities gone. If this restraint isn't executed, you'd be one helluva selfish (albeit lonely) person, I think.

Out of all the inane, complex, and overall useless thoughts I have running through my head, I must have this train of thought the most. Why can't I just do and say whatever I wanted? For how long does this restraint hold me prisoner to the judgment of others? Can anyone ever truly be uninhibited? I've formulated a number of answers to these questions (mostly to satisfy my temporary needs or most current situation) but God's telling me the ultimate answer is love. If I was a lover, I wouldn't have to pretend to be a certain way... my actions and words will always naturally resonate love, right?

I speak my mind and usually my mind has a lot to say. I can make a long-winded conversation out of just about anything until I am absolutely certain my opinions are, at the very least, acknowledged. Tonight, I spoke my mind again, but I'm not sure if I acted out of love. Tonight, I displayed some restraint, but still don't think I acted out of love.

Maybe it's time I stop thinking about the answers and think about how to accept that answer I've known to exist all along. Or maybe, I should just stop thinking so hard in general.

Cheers,

Cheryl