Friday, May 14, 2010

my younger self.

a strong sense of my younger self
is best found in
past entries/posts/writings.

Have you ever looked back on a xanga? Or a diary entry? Whenever I do, I cringe and wince at how ridiculously ignorant and childish I was. Especially when I go back to things I wrote in middle school when tYpiNg lYk dIsS wuZ kEwL~*^^* Ugh, I shudder at the thought that I too, fell victim to that disgusting fad.

Earlier today, I took a gander at a homepage I had and opened up the diary entries I wrote in it. I wanted to laugh, kick myself in the head, and pat myself on the back all at the same time. I was SUCH a child. And some of these entries were written only about a year ago! Wow, look at how much I've developed in such a short period of time! I wonder if I'm going to look back on this blog and think the same thing in about a year...

Change is good though. Going through entries that dated back to 3-4 years ago was refreshing. Being able to revisit my past (no matter how ridiculous and embarrassing it may be) through old diaries is the best form of reflection, I think. The progress and process that I've experienced to become the person I am presently, was and is all beautiful.

I must remember not to regret and dwell on things I cannot go back and change, for I have changed into who I am today because of those things.

Cheers,

Cheryl

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

a better me.

made by people who build me up,
not break me down.

Remember my entry back in July sometime? Titled "hello, bartender"? Well, I'll have you know (if you sharp readers haven't caught on already), that I am now officially dating the bartender in question. I hate to return to my blog in over a month just to write about how incredibly happy I am with him (aren't all beginnings?) so I won't. But admittedly, he is one of my top 10 topics of discussion. Along with all those other uber-important f-words: my future, fashion, food, friends, and last but never least, family. So, I'm going to succumb to the forces that be in my mind and heart and write a lil' ole entry about le boyfriend.

The last relationship I had was toxic. Ouch, that was tough to admit but essentially true. I've gone through much learning and healing since that 4-year rollercoaster of a damned relationship and know now, that while quite an experience, the boy had me by an invisible hold that I was just too immature and flat-out dumb, deaf, and blind to wriggle myself free of (sorry, I know you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition). This is all really harsh of me to say and I feel bad saying these things because we did have some good times, but if I can't be honest and straightfoward in my own blog, well then I'm going to have to just shut myself up and get terribly lost and tangled-up in the explosions in my head and I doubt anyone would appreciate that very much.

So now that I've painted somewhat of a picture of my past relationship, let's move-on to what I've realized I love about my current one: I'm a better me because of him. Whoa. That's a heavy-duty statement right there especially since I've only been with this guy 2 months, but 'tis largely true. Now, I'm not talking "better" like more happy or nice or pretty (although there have definitely been improvemets in those departments as well). I'm talking wholly and genuinely noticing advancements in the things that define me as a person. These things can be as simple as how early I wake up in the morning or as deep and meaningful as how I interpret Bible verses I read. I'm a pretty headstrong kind of gal so I don't like to think that a man can really change who I am innately, but so far the changes have all been beneficial so I'm not complaining. Waking up earlier, not putting toxins in my body, being more diligent in my faith, taking care of my skin, putting my future in perspective... this wide-range of "things" are the ways in which the friend-who-is-a-boy has built me up. Sure I was happy with the past bf, but it was a very mindless sort of happiness. He didn't truly benefit me or make me a truly better me in any way, shape or form (gawsh, I really try to avoid using corny cliche tri-word-bunches like that, but I've already used two of 'em! [the other being "dumb, deaf, and blind"]).

I've digressed (as I so often do). JH Action Seo (le current bf) does make me a better me. And he does it in a way that is in no way pressuring or overbearing or manipulating or annoying; it is all very loving and caring and honest and simply delightful! ahAHahahaha.. sorry.

This entry is getting lengthy. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am immensely happy and would like to stay this way with the current friend-who-is-a-boy for as long as God allows and intends.

Be jealous. hehehehheee.......

Cheers,

Cheryl

PS: Sorry I lied. I wasn't going to write about how insanely happy I am with him, and wanted to focus on how I've changed, but the twists and turns this entry took somehow led to my happiness as a conclusion. Sincere apologies!